Culture smut sports! GO!

2008-06-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

!! IT'S SUMMER TIME IN MICHIGAN!!!

Which means you work your ass off.

Your beloved smut and sports fans Cam cam and Wyatt are busy doing just that.

But if your like us your probably have any time to read it?

LISTEN TO DEATH THREAT

im out.

Inside The Mind Of The Whiskey Boner

2008-04-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

You sick bastard you couldn’t wait to read.

Here is a list of things I kind of miss which for some reason or another has escaped me.

Playing beat the drunk to work.

Oh what’s beat the drunk? It’s an easy game. A couple of rules though or you might loose.

RULES
1. Be prepared not to speak to ANYONE.
2. You need to…

ALRIGHT FINE.

Here is what you came for.

The whiskey boner is a beast of a thing. Often it comes alive on its own without the brain even knowing of its existence. Rapid wild and ready to take down any task no man will ever speak off. The whiskey boner will make you say things like…

“I drink to get drunk, and I fuck to cum”

“play your records backwards, and kill yourself”

“Black metal is served cold, black comedy is served hot”

“ do you want to make out until it gets weird?”

“god bless your booty”

“sup baby?”

The only thing, which can defeat the whiskey boner, is the whiskey itself! Blacking out the host and herby debilitating its blood hungry thirst of fucking you over in the morning.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GIRL I SAW IN THE GROCERY STORE

2008-04-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2008

Dear Very Cute Brunette,

Hi there. Remember me from earlier? We almost ran into each other near the bakery, then again by the produce section. I told you how your baby looked like me as a kid, then said "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll turn out better looking." You giggled. Long story short, you let me flex my flirting muscles for ten or fifteen minutes and, as far as I could tell you were A: Single and B: Interested. Then, as it happens very often in these situations, there came a point where I either had to ask for a number or bail.

Now listen, I don't have any huge gripe about kids (Other than my firm belief that ugly babies should be aborted), in fact, every 5 or 6 years one even makes me laugh a little, but for some reason I couldn't pull the trigger (figuratively speaking) and I believe it was because that baby was staring me in the face.

Now I'm here to say a preemptive It's Not You (or your kid) It's Me. I'm one of the most immature people I know, and I know a lot of people who play beer pong. (Zing) I don't have dental insurance. Sometimes my cat's litter box is one huge shit-filled clump. I don't enjoy Disney movies the same way most people do. Occasionally I forget to wash my own hair. I paid someone to do my laundry until this year. I've never exercised for my health. I have a small problem with sports gambling. I watch Looney Tunes cartoons for a few hours at least once a week. During football season I spend roughly 80 hours a week reading Detroit Lions or Fantasy Football-related material. Every so often I'll go 2-3 months without shaving. I still do bellyflops. When someone says I don't post enough material I send him 30 gay porn emails.(You know who you are) I make fun of kids getting kicked in the face during a breakdance contest. On my day off I sleep until 2 p.m. and take a nap at 5. I race my cat through my apartment. I listen to Howard Stern in the morning. I turn those cheap lighters into a foot-high torch...........

Logical Reactions To Illogical Situations

2008-03-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I say the little kid won. No one else can pull off that move.

MY TIGERS PREVIEW

2008-03-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Guess what everyone? Opening Day is less than one week away. I know what you are thinking- "Wait a minute, this isn't a sports blog" and I want to sincerely say Fuck you, it's mine. (I capitalized Fuck for emphasis. Twice.) So here is my Detroit Tigers Season Preview, complete with what each (Starting, backups aren't worth my time. Looking at you, Inge) player is known for, a suggested song for when they are walking up to the plate, and, I don't know, probably a picture or some other bullshit.

Position Players

1. Curtis Granderson

Known For:

Having two business degrees, Hitting triples, Being my Tiger, Writing a great blog on espn.com

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rock Me Amadeus" - Falco

2. Placido Polanco

Known For:

Looking like Quagmire, never striking out, being acquired for a player who is now in Venezuelan prison for tying someone up, dumping gas on them, and threatening to light them on fire

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"I want to know what love is" - Foreigner

3. Gary Sheffield

Known For:

Being a borderline racist, hitting line drives into the left field stands that scare me even while watching the game at home, saying that Derek Jeter isn't "All the way black", being my favorite player in 1997

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Fight The Power" - Public Enemy

4. Magglio Ordonez

Known For:

Long hair, early 90s shades, incredible 2007

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rapture" - Blondie

5. Miguel Cabrera

Known For:
Fluctuating weight, $153 mil contract, being the same age as me, being the savior who will keep Inge on the bench, where he belongs

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rich Girl" - Hall & Oates

6. Carlos Guillen

Known For:

Switch hitting (not that kind, pervert), Venezuelan pride, my friend Joey's dad pronouncing his last name "Gill-e-yen", getting injured at some point during the year

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Bacdafucup" - Onyx

7. Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez

Known For:

Incredible defense, tight fitting shirts, early 90s shades, starting this whole "Good players to the Tigers" movement

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Just Another Day" - Jon Secada

8. Edgar Renteria

Known For:

Playing well in the National League only, 1st Colombian to play in World Series, 1st Colombian not to have a coke mule joke made about him by me

Suggested Theme Music:

"Pass The Dutchie" - Musical Youth

9. Jacque Jones

Known For:

Somehow having the first name "Jacque" and being American, apparently playing for the 1994 Alaska Goldpanners, being impossible to find anything interesting about

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Sweet Dreams" - Eurythmics

Check back tomorrow for the breakdown of the pitching rotation

Dispatch From Mexico Pt. 2

2008-03-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

Your Intrepid Blogger is Currently In Cozumel, Mexico, Taking In All That Is Spring Break As a 24-yr-Old Vacationing With His Parents

-Click play for the official "Dispatch From Mexico" soundtrack.

-Pretty sure Devin Hester was in first class on my flight down here. I was bigger than him, but I would guess he can probably run faster.

-Question of the day: Why, when in Mexico, does my mother want to eat Italian food? I can't wait to go to Venice and try the tacos.

-Today is my last full day here. Is it sad that I'm excited to get home and watch the series finale of The Wire? Very.

-The Most Disappointing Thing Ever: The Simpsons in Spanish.

-Most of the girls mentioned in my previous post have left, guess I won't be putting any pictures up.

-Total Pictures Taken: 1

-Subject of that Picture: I had a weird looking bruise on my foot

-There is a rogue mosquito that has made its home in my room, so every morning I find a few new bites.

-My favorite thing to do during the day? Lay on a beach chair and watch Dog Bites Man on my ipod. (Disregard the first ten seconds of that clip, it was taken from the middle of an episode and looks strange out of context)

-I keep forgetting to put sunscreen on my nose, and it now looks like I've been drinking whiskey every day for the last 20 years.

-Yesterday, I bought a $30 Cohiba, just so I could chomp on it while I cruised around on a Segway. Did I mention I rented a Segway? It was fucking awesome, plus I felt like GOB.

-On tap for today: Drinking, Smoking, Eating, Getting "THUG LIFE" Henna tattoed across my stomach.

Dispatch From Mexico

2008-03-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

Your Intrepid Blogger is Currently In Cozumel, Mexico, Taking In All That Is Spring Break As a 24-yr-Old Vacationing With His Parents

-No way brah! They don't have Taco Bell here!! /sarcasm

-I was dicking around playing online poker in the lobby on Sunday, and I was at such a weak table that it would've been extremely unprofitable to leave, so there I sat for four hours.

-At least it's an open air lobby, so it was like being outside

-There are 12 girls from the same sorority constantly nearby on the beach. At first it was a struggle with the annoying/hot dynamic, then I remembered my Ipod was near. It is a struggle no more.

-I saw three and three quarter boobs today. (See the first sentence of my last point. Not that this matters, because...)

-I am so antisocial that the only people I've spoken to who aren't in my family are the people who work here and about four random guys in town that hooked me up with some bud.

-This is a semi-accurate representation of what said weed looks like:

Logical Reactions to Illogical Situations

2008-02-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

Why do his friends keep bouncing around like nothing is wrong?

I can make your color change with just my hands

2008-02-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

Shoplifting isnt good. I realize it jacks up store prices, and trickles down to John Q college student. I also realize I am toooo old to have done it , reading the laws on it its quite shitty to get caught. Quite shitty.

I’m talking shitting your pants shitty.
Crappy shitty.

Also I got a tip from an American Apparel employee new policy cash bonus if you catch us.

My family found out cause I posted about it on myspace or something. That sucked.

I have stopped and wont ever do it again.

With that being said..

I say fuck man it was fun!

Alright so your friend walks up and she’s like
"Oh my gawd I got these pants on sale for only 20 bucks" And I would look at them and think to myself

'they got fucked!' because...

I GOT THIS WHOLE OUTFIT BY PURE WIT AND BALLS!

People think its bad ass when they find shit on sale for cheap. Imagine not even fucking paying for it!

Not to mention the adrenaline! So hot!

I went with my good friend she’s a girl. We would go all the time when we were bored and wanted a thrill or thought something was sooo freaking cuuuuuuute. But the thrill of maybe getting caught...duuuuude.

I tell ya one day in Old Navy the buzzer went off and I was like

"KEEP WALKING!"

No one did anything! We got away!

Oh man it was like a bank robbery!

It was like we exchanged the hostage for the money with no trouble.

Either way. We won.

I took 14 pairs of socks that day.

Total.

I think in the heat of the adrenaline rush if I would have grabbed her and said

".... kiss me"

She might have done it dude!

And this broad is repulsed by me!

Shoplifting is an aphrodisiac, a time killer, an ego booster, and fuck dude it makes you look good.

Kinda like a drug.

Which is part of the reason why I stopped.

My Sunday Morning, February 10, 2008

2008-02-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

When I woke up this morning, it was -1 Fahrenheit and the wind was blowing 40 MPH. I decided not to take the expressway, and, halfway to work, a rather large woman was stuck in my lane in a minivan, which, in turn, caused my vehicle to get hung up. Since, naturally, I had forgotten my cell phone, I decided to start walking. Fuck this stranded shit. After walking 1/2 mile to the only house I could see, only to find no one home, I returned to my vehicle and only had one thought:

Would I have to take on the double role of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, fetch my lightsaber from the back of the car, and sleep inside this woman's stomach? (To quote Han "I thought these things smelled...on the outside") While I was reaching into the back of the car, a very cool guy with a truck and a chain pulled up and yanked us the fuck out of there. I was left with frostbite on my left toe and a penis that probably will stay in hiding for at least a month.

Ladies, Form an Orderly Queue

2008-01-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, it's going to be very hard to scroll down with that sexy picture at the top of the page, but give it a shot. Well readers (I think we might have seven now!) it's almost that "special" time of the year again...Valentine's Day! Normally I wouldn't have much to do with this holiday, what with my spotty (at best) dating record, plus the fact that I don't get the day off of work, but this year I have vowed that I won't spend the night of Valentine's drinking alone and eventually masturbating to The Little Mermaid. This year, I'm leaving the apartment, dammit. However, I'm too picky to just go down to the bus station and and find a date...Mostly because there is no public transportation around here. So women out there, if you are like me (somewhat) and want to avoid a night of lonely drinking and awkward, tearful masturbation, answer a few simple questions for me...

Valentine's Day Date Application
Answer as honestly as possible

1. You're over 18, right?

2. Which two Beatles should have died first?

3. Have you ever spent three hours zoning out to Planet Earth?

4. Rank the following animated films, best to worst: Waking Life, The Bugs Bunny & Roadrunner movie, The Simpsons Movie, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, An American Tail

5. Circle all of the following that offend you: snuff films, racial humor, the movie Caligula, Oprah, jokes about fisting, Rambo II, dead baby gags

6. Are you still there?

7. Who is your favorite muppet? (Ed. note-Mine is and forever will be Janice)

8. Have you ever received (circle all that apply): roses, jewelry, dinner, a pet, anal, balloons, candy?

9. What's your favorite movie sex scene? (Mine)

10. Do you ever goof?

11. A special lottery is to be held to select the student who will live in the only deluxe room in a dormitory. There are 100 seniors, 150 juniors, and 200 sophomores who applied. Each senior's name is placed in the lottery 3 times; each junior's name, 2 times; and each sophomore's name, 1 time. What is the probability that a senior's name will be chosen?

12. If you had AIDS in 1938 would you fuck Hitler?

13. Better show: The Office (US Version) v. The Office (UK Version)

14. F-Marry-Kill (Pick one to fuck, one to marry, one to kill): Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme

15. Hello?

It’s time for Facts!

2008-01-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

I would rather watch Blankman 5 times a day then watch Meteorman another time in my life.

(I think I heard that somewhere)
(still a fact)

If you don’t have ice in your freezer your a fucking non domestic savage. Yeah you.

Hmm, find it pretty all right to sleep on a bare mattress? If you know it or not, guess what? Your lifes a wreck! =)

Fat guys can get chics, and not just fat chics. It’s true. We possess a unique pheromone, especially if we were fat before and lost a bunch of weight. Then the pheromone is times a megaton of strength!

Fatty - LBs = Super Ex Fatty Pheromone x MEGATON

Matthew Mcconaughey does chic flicks we get that. Women love it, cause he’s dreamy. Part 2! Your thinking well that’s not true I loved Frailty. Well guess what? That’s the one movie that makes your love of Mcconaughey chic flicks justifiable in your head. Because its all serious. Well guess what!? Its still Mcconaughey baby!

Chevy Chase is up walking around.

Christian Slater, will never go away. 80’s and 90’s and this decade isnt over. Yeah that’s right.

He’s a ~~working~~ actor.

My Three Greatest Fears

2008-01-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

1. Heights

I really don't give a shit if I am four or 400 feet off the ground, all I want is to get down safely. Climbing wall? No thanks. Now on top of the general embarrassment that is my life I have to watch as a 6-year-old scales the face of the wall I was too afraid to make it up? Fuck that (And a big "fuck you" to the six-year-old. Little showoff bastard)-If I want to be ashamed I'll just choose to start remembering middle school again. Some people call this a childish fear. I say a childish fear is being afraid of the boogeyman or a scary uncle. This one is perfectly adult.

2. Burning T~~o Death~~

Being burnt fucking hurts. Whether it is by fire, acid, the sun, hot oil, Ashton Kutcher, molten metal (great band name), or other means, being burnt is a lot like having sex with me... You're going to feel it for a while and it leaves a nasty mark. The ~~poor man~~ idiot protester in this photo to the left knows more pain than me or the four of you that will end up reading this shall ever know.

3. Wolves

Let me bounce a few facts off of you:
1. Wolves can run up to 40 mph
2. Wolves can carry up to 50 parasites
3. Wolves can communicate with each other
4. Wolves are known to kill more than they can eat
5. Any normal looking wolf could, in fact, be a werewolf
6. Same as rule 5 but replace the word "wolf" with "human"

Looking just at these few cold hard facts I have chosen to feature, I'm sure you're thinking the same thing as I am, "Why aren't more people worried about wolves? They can sense fear, for Christ's sake." And I know, it is scary. But the only thing that gives me any hope for mine and my kids' (I don't have any) future is that someday this horrible wolf problem will be eradicated. Good night, and God bless America.

My Snuff Film Looks A little Too Artsy

2008-01-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

I know it was my fourth, and most snuff films have that great aesthetic naturally. Maybe it was my cinematographer "Gunsaw." That’s what I get for picking someone who did "Ultra Unbearable 8" the most pretentious artsy looking snuff I’ve seen in a long time.

Maybe it was the high contrast bright colors I used to contrast the blood? An idea of my art director "Sweat-stash" Either way I look at it, I just can’t help to say, my Snuff Film looks a little to artsy.

Possibly it was the fault of the entire art department! Maybe it was my costume designer?

I don’t know but I tell you what my snuff film looked more like a Wes Anderson movie, then the classic Bruno El Douche films of our classic hay day.

Which I was going for an tribute to "Skin Slut" Now it’s like a dumb art stupid butt movie, not at tribute to a classic. Sigh... Sometimes I just don’t know.

My work has been dwindling since "Vag Rip, The Tip" Maybe I am loosing touch of what the kids want to see these days. I mean, how many rapes can I fit in a frame ya know? The public is asking way to much of me. I mean honestly. My fourth film should be my epic, my greatest.

But it looks like a rough reel of a film student who did a bunch of coke on Friday for Monday’s final at Columbia College Chicago. It must have been the pressure of having a hectic schedule. Well with the crew getting scared because we heard an ambulance.

Forcing us to skip the daily’s and cleaning up the splatter quicker then I was ready to. Maybe my next film will be better. Maybe I need to add animals? Like I said don’t know. I need a sandwich.