!! IT'S SUMMER TIME IN MICHIGAN!!!

Which means you work your ass off.

Your beloved smut and sports fans Cam cam and Wyatt are busy doing just that.

But if your like us your probably have any time to read it?

LISTEN TO DEATH THREAT

im out.

Inside The Mind Of The Whiskey Boner

You sick bastard you couldn’t wait to read.

Here is a list of things I kind of miss which for some reason or another has escaped me.


Playing beat the drunk to work.

Oh what’s beat the drunk? It’s an easy game. A couple of rules though or you might loose.

RULES
1. Be prepared not to speak to ANYONE.
2. You need to…


ALRIGHT FINE.

Here is what you came for.



The whiskey boner is a beast of a thing. Often it comes alive on its own without the brain even knowing of its existence. Rapid wild and ready to take down any task no man will ever speak off. The whiskey boner will make you say things like…

“I drink to get drunk, and I fuck to cum”

“play your records backwards, and kill yourself”

“Black metal is served cold, black comedy is served hot”

“ do you want to make out until it gets weird?”

“god bless your booty”

“sup baby?”

The only thing, which can defeat the whiskey boner, is the whiskey itself! Blacking out the host and herby debilitating its blood hungry thirst of fucking you over in the morning.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GIRL I SAW IN THE GROCERY STORE

April 7, 2008

Dear Very Cute Brunette,

Hi there. Remember me from earlier? We almost ran into each other near the bakery, then again by the produce section. I told you how your baby looked like me as a kid, then said "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll turn out better looking." You giggled. Long story short, you let me flex my flirting muscles for ten or fifteen minutes and, as far as I could tell you were A: Single and B: Interested. Then, as it happens very often in these situations, there came a point where I either had to ask for a number or bail.

Now listen, I don't have any huge gripe about kids (Other than my firm belief that ugly babies should be aborted), in fact, every 5 or 6 years one even makes me laugh a little, but for some reason I couldn't pull the trigger (figuratively speaking) and I believe it was because that baby was staring me in the face.

Now I'm here to say a preemptive It's Not You (or your kid) It's Me. I'm one of the most immature people I know, and I know a lot of people who play beer pong. (Zing) I don't have dental insurance. Sometimes my cat's litter box is one huge shit-filled clump. I don't enjoy Disney movies the same way most people do. Occasionally I forget to wash my own hair. I paid someone to do my laundry until this year. I've never exercised for my health. I have a small problem with sports gambling. I watch Looney Tunes cartoons for a few hours at least once a week. During football season I spend roughly 80 hours a week reading Detroit Lions or Fantasy Football-related material. Every so often I'll go 2-3 months without shaving. I still do bellyflops. When someone says I don't post enough material I send him 30 gay porn emails.(You know who you are) I make fun of kids getting kicked in the face during a breakdance contest. On my day off I sleep until 2 p.m. and take a nap at 5. I race my cat through my apartment. I listen to Howard Stern in the morning. I turn those cheap lighters into a foot-high torch...........

Logical Reactions To Illogical Situations

I say the little kid won. No one else can pull off that move.

MY TIGERS PREVIEW

Guess what everyone? Opening Day is less than one week away. I know what you are thinking- "Wait a minute, this isn't a sports blog" and I want to sincerely say Fuck you, it's mine. (I capitalized Fuck for emphasis. Twice.) So here is my Detroit Tigers Season Preview, complete with what each (Starting, backups aren't worth my time. Looking at you, Inge) player is known for, a suggested song for when they are walking up to the plate, and, I don't know, probably a picture or some other bullshit.

Position Players

1. Curtis Granderson

Known For:

Having two business degrees, Hitting triples, Being my Tiger, Writing a great blog on espn.com

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rock Me Amadeus" - Falco

2. Placido Polanco

Known For:

Looking like Quagmire, never striking out, being acquired for a player who is now in Venezuelan prison for tying someone up, dumping gas on them, and threatening to light them on fire

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"I want to know what love is" - Foreigner

3. Gary Sheffield

Known For:

Being a borderline racist, hitting line drives into the left field stands that scare me even while watching the game at home, saying that Derek Jeter isn't "All the way black", being my favorite player in 1997

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Fight The Power" - Public Enemy

4. Magglio Ordonez

Known For:

Long hair, early 90s shades, incredible 2007

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rapture" - Blondie

5. Miguel Cabrera

Known For:
Fluctuating weight, $153 mil contract, being the same age as me, being the savior who will keep Inge on the bench, where he belongs

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Rich Girl" - Hall & Oates

6. Carlos Guillen

Known For:

Switch hitting (not that kind, pervert), Venezuelan pride, my friend Joey's dad pronouncing his last name "Gill-e-yen", getting injured at some point during the year

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Bacdafucup" - Onyx

7. Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez

Known For:

Incredible defense, tight fitting shirts, early 90s shades, starting this whole "Good players to the Tigers" movement

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Just Another Day" - Jon Secada

8. Edgar Renteria

Known For:

Playing well in the National League only, 1st Colombian to play in World Series, 1st Colombian not to have a coke mule joke made about him by me


Suggested Theme Music:

"Pass The Dutchie" - Musical Youth

9. Jacque Jones

Known For:

Somehow having the first name "Jacque" and being American, apparently playing for the 1994 Alaska Goldpanners, being impossible to find anything interesting about

Suggested At-Bat Music:

"Sweet Dreams" - Eurythmics

Check back tomorrow for the breakdown of the pitching rotation

Dispatch From Mexico Pt. 2

Your Intrepid Blogger is Currently In Cozumel, Mexico, Taking In All That Is Spring Break As a 24-yr-Old Vacationing With His Parents

-Click play for the official "Dispatch From Mexico" soundtrack.

-Pretty sure Devin Hester was in first class on my flight down here. I was bigger than him, but I would guess he can probably run faster.

-Question of the day: Why, when in Mexico, does my mother want to eat Italian food? I can't wait to go to Venice and try the tacos.

-Today is my last full day here. Is it sad that I'm excited to get home and watch the series finale of The Wire? Very.

-The Most Disappointing Thing Ever: The Simpsons in Spanish.

-Most of the girls mentioned in my previous post have left, guess I won't be putting any pictures up.

-Total Pictures Taken: 1

-Subject of that Picture: I had a weird looking bruise on my foot

-There is a rogue mosquito that has made its home in my room, so every morning I find a few new bites.

-My favorite thing to do during the day? Lay on a beach chair and watch Dog Bites Man on my ipod. (Disregard the first ten seconds of that clip, it was taken from the middle of an episode and looks strange out of context)

-I keep forgetting to put sunscreen on my nose, and it now looks like I've been drinking whiskey every day for the last 20 years.

-Yesterday, I bought a $30 Cohiba, just so I could chomp on it while I cruised around on a Segway. Did I mention I rented a Segway? It was fucking awesome, plus I felt like GOB.

-On tap for today: Drinking, Smoking, Eating, Getting "THUG LIFE" Henna tattoed across my stomach.

Read more >> Options >>

Dispatch From Mexico

Your Intrepid Blogger is Currently In Cozumel, Mexico, Taking In All That Is Spring Break As a 24-yr-Old Vacationing With His Parents

-No way brah! They don't have Taco Bell here!! /sarcasm

-I was dicking around playing online poker in the lobby on Sunday, and I was at such a weak table that it would've been extremely unprofitable to leave, so there I sat for four hours.

-At least it's an open air lobby, so it was like being outside

-There are 12 girls from the same sorority constantly nearby on the beach. At first it was a struggle with the annoying/hot dynamic, then I remembered my Ipod was near. It is a struggle no more.

-I saw three and three quarter boobs today. (See the first sentence of my last point. Not that this matters, because...)

-I am so antisocial that the only people I've spoken to who aren't in my family are the people who work here and about four random guys in town that hooked me up with some bud.

-This is a semi-accurate representation of what said weed looks like:

Read more >> Options >>

-I've been jotting a lot of this shit down as it comes to me, generally on the beach. One of the 12 ladies (If I had to rank them, which I did, she'd be #3) asked me what I was writing. Human Contact! A chance at conversation! #3! I knew I had to say something smart, something that would produce zero follow-up questions, and I didn't have much time to think. "Umm, it's a thesis on the reefs around the island and what can be done to protect them better." On a pocket-size notebook. While laying in a beach chair on my stomach. Bra-vo. I should have said it was about saving the fucking dolphins, at least thats a lie people can get behind.

-I've been drinking the water since day 1.

-More of this bullshit later in the week, hopefully featuring pics of #s 1-7.